Global Bosonic Product Sales Patter Cheat-Sheet 2/3

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Oh no! The customer's not interested!

As a salesperson, you'll hear the word &quot;no&quot; quite a bit. However, while their lips, body language, words, and legal motions may say no, it is your job to hear &quot;yes, tell me more!&quot;. Remember, on every video chat, a sale is made: either you sell them on why they need our products, or they sell you on why you are a worthless human being that is unable to do a job that even our dumbest Troglodyte unit could handle.

Learn these common ways of addressing the dreaded &quot;no&quot;:

Problem: Aren't automatons dangerous? I hear they're just waiting for the right moment to murder us and put on our clothes and pretend to be us.

Response: Of course not! Everyone knows that all bosonic products are strictly regulated by the Technological Singularity Prevention Board, and must pass rigorous testing before going to market. But more importantly, they can't be evil or resentful or murderous because they don't know how! We never teach them! When you kick your automaton, it simply doesn't feel one way or the other about it. Go ahead, try it!

Problem: Aren't automatons stupid?

Response: False! Yes, our lower-end models have very conservative intelligence levels, but our mid- and high-end models are actually quite intelligent. For example, our Scullion-series units are capable of simple conversation and limited introspection, and are certified to provide basic child caretaking services.

And with the ThinkRight© architecture, you'll find that our Jeeves and other specialty lines are now capable of complex reasoning. Why I was just talking to a Jeeves unit the other day, and it asked me what that meaning of life was! Isn't that cute?

Rest assured, we haven't made them too smart, and our proprietary governing Protocol will give you a firm hand on their leash at all times.

Problem: But I just don't need one!

Response: Sounds like you haven't seen our full catalog! There is literally a bosonic product for any need you can imagine. Don't like driving? Cleaning? Being alone? Reading? Breathing? Thinking? Wiping? Fornicating? We've got an automaton for any of those, or all of them at once! If you tell me your least favorite thing to do, I'll tell you how Matheson-Ford can help you never have to do that thing ever again! This is Earth, after all: it's your right as a human to not have to do things!

Problem: But mechanical beings are an affront to humanity!

Response: False. Every major religion has a rich tradition of automatons. The Jewish Classic folks had golems, the American Empire had slaves, and Christians believe that automatons are just another expression of man's dominion over nature!

Problem: But I can't afford one!

Response: Our credit counselors are standing by to discuss our wide range of payment options, including layaway, rental, standard mortgage, organ mortgage, pyramid loan, roshambo, and double-or-nothing!

Problem: But I already have an automaton!

Response: (From one of our competitors) Wow. Be careful with that. Because I hear that [competitor's name here] has some real quality control issues with their not-murdering-people-for-batteries protocol.

Response: (From an existing Matheson-Ford legacy product line) That's super great! I'm glad you've got so much use out of our [product line]. They're so quaint! My grandparents really enjoyed them. Not as popular with the hip glitterati nowadays, though. I hear [vapid entertainment star] already upgraded to [comparable new product line]. Maybe you're really attached to your current unit, on a personal level? No worries: we can port your unit's personality onto brand-new hardware! It'll be your same old friend, just smarter and more articulate!