An Intimate Academic Evening with Malcolm McCreedy 5/5

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(APPLAUSE. ZOOM PAN IN ON PROFESSOR FINSRAW AND DR. MCCREEDY)

Announcer: Welcome back to &quot;An Intimate Academic Evening&quot; with eminent thinker and Nobel-Custis Prize winning physicist Malcolm McCreedy. Brought to you by a partnership between our friends at New Media and ThinkCore Edutainment.

Finsraw: And now, my favorite part of the evening. Malcolm, these youngsters have waited a long time for this, and i'm sure they're just teeming with questions. Are you ready to answer them?

McCreedy: No. Do I have to?

(MCCREEDY TURNS TO LOOK AT SOMEONE OFFSTAGE. THE OFFSTAGE PARTY IS NOT AUDIBLE.)

McCreedy: I do….? Ok, but I mean contractually … Ok. Contractually.

(MCCREEDY TURNS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE AND RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER)

McCreedy: In that case I am delighted to answer questions. Let's do this fast. Who's first.

(FINSRAW GESTURES TO THE FIRST AISLE. STUDENTS EAGERLY BEGIN LINING UP BY AN ATTENDANT WITH A MICROPHONE. MALCOLM FIDGETS IN HIS SEAT, MAKING &quot;HURRY UP&quot; MOTIONS PERIODICALLY WHILE THE LINE FORMS)

Finsraw: And we're ready! Go ahead, young man. State your name, your major, and your question.

Student Reddy: Reddy, sir, first year in 'Theoretical Physics'. Mr. McCreedy, who is your favorite scientist of all time?

McCreedy: Me. Then Galileo, then Tesla. Galileo had some balls on him. And screw Edison. Fourth place would be a British guy you've never heard of who got castrated for liking boys instead of girls. Next question.

(THE STUDENT SHUFFLES AWAY AND IS REPLACED BY THE NEXT IN LINE)

Student Kent: My name is Kent. First name Rebecca, with two c's. I major in 'Science-based Public Relations'. What's it like being one of the richest men alive? Do you still go the store and stuff like regular people? And are the rumors about you and R. D. Golem true? What's she like?

(KENT BLUSHES. GENERAL LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE)

McCreedy: Boring, absolutely not, probably, and also boring. Next.

Student Radost: Zjelko Radost. I have major of 'Theoretical Concepts of Theories'. Please, can you clarify…

McCreedy: Finsraw, is that seriously a major?

Finsraw: Indeed, indeed. One of our most challenging.

(MCCREEDY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND MOTIONS &quot;HURRY UP&quot; TO RADOST)

Student Radost: Could you clarify please if you believe that the Limnal drive is religious in nature?

McCreedy: What?

Student Radost: The science behind it breaks many previous laws of the universe, yes? Who but God could do this?

McCreedy: Next question.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation6">Student Radost: But I think…

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Neeeeeeext…

(MCCREEDY TAKES ANOTHER SIP, RAISING A FINGER DRAMATICALLY. HE FINISHES AND POINTS DECISIVELY AT RADOST)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: …. question.

(RADOST MUTTERS AND MOVES AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE. ANOTHER STUDENT APPROACHES)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation7">Student Venkat: Yes, hello, I'm Venkat. Mr. McCreedy, you jointly published your work with the rest of the scientists at the Cookshaw labs in early 2523, but withheld several of the key steps to actually implementing an Limnal drive, citing patent protection invoked by Cookshaw Engineering LLC. The full specifications were leaked a few months later, so perhaps it is moot, but for an invention with this much cultural impact why would you not choose to release everything at once?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Ask the fine folks at the Cookery. I'm sure they'd say: &quot;For the good of all! Can't have that kind of thing running around uncontrolled, can we? People would start thinking for themselves about how to use it!&quot; I'll tell you this: when the full specs leaked online, I bet you could have built an arcology out of the bricks the Cookery lawyers crapped. Thank you, anonymous and probably-very-handsome leaker person! Next question.

(VENKAT STEPS AWAY AND ANOTHER STUDENT STEPS EAGERLY IN HIS PLACE, HOLDING A SHEET OF PAPER. THE STUDENT TAKES A BREATH.)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: No, I don't think so. Next.

(THE STUDENT STANDS, BLINKING. ANOTHER STUDENT EVENTUALLY STEPS AROUND HIM TO GET TO THE MICROPHONE. MCCREEDY SHAKES HIS HEAD)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: No. Not you either. Boring. Next…..next….ok, here we go.

(A FEMALE STUDENT STEPS TO THE MICROPHONE AND CURTSIES. MCCREEDY LEANS FORWARD, SMILING)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: My name is Claire Von Avon, Mr. McCreedy.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: It certainly is. Hello there. And what's your major?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Oh, a little of this and that.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Attractive and indecisive. Do go on!

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Well, sir, I really just wanted to know: since you have more money than God, and clearly can't stand these dog and pony shows that Cookshaw drags you out for, and you spend most of your time crawling down that bottle, why don't you use all that money to finance your own colony ship and get off of this rock? Find somewhere better.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Malcolm, I apologize, while they are certainly passionate, ha ha, some of our lesser students are not as…

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Shut up Finsraw. You, Tits McMouthy: can you talk or can you argue ?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: I can argue.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Fine. Defend your thesis: why is being on a colony ship, heading god-knows-where, better than here?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Because out there you're free, Malcolm.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: That's a stupid argument and you should feel stupid for saying it. Freedom is a thousand things. Your freedom may not be my freedom. Freedom is not being hungry. Freedom is my twenty-thousand square foot apartment instead of a two-by-six bunk. Freedom is not sharing a pissoir with twenty other men, all waking up from a hellish hundred-year sleep with full bladders and empty stomachs. You mean free in spirit, of course, but would I be free in that way? I would be the same Malcolm McCreedy out there. Do you think there would be less fawning and pawing and &quot;Oh Malcolm, give us more words from your big beautiful brain&quot;? I'd be even more of a tinpot God to the saps that came with me. And worst of all, I'd still be right there with myself. There's no escape from Malcolm McCreedy, my dear, particularly for me. Try again.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Ok, how about: Edison was the first to use the telephone he invented. The Wright brothers flew their own plane. Hofmann discovered LSD by taking the first hit. Are you going to sit there and let others take the first leap without you? It's your right! You built it, you deserve it, how could you not take part in it? We need you out there with us.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Colonization doesn't need me. And don't come to me with things you need. I didn't create it for you, or any of those other Loonies. I created it because I could. When they tried to patent it and lock it down, I made sure it got out, but that's the only gift you get from me.

(FINSRAW START COUGHING VIOLENTLY, AND MADLY SHUFFLES PAPERS IN HIS LAP. THE CROWD MURMURS. MCCREEDY GLARES AT FINSRAW)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Oh, like they didn't know. I'm sure someone'll edit it out of the broadcast. Anyway, McMouthy, you're a doll for playing, but no thanks. Also, once again: screw Edison and his telephone. Next student.

(FINSRAW — STILL COUGHING — JERKS HIS ARM AT THE NEXT STUDENT TO COME FORWARD. VON AVON GRABS THE MICROPHONE FROM THE ATTENDANT)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Wait, Malcolm: when was the last time you were afraid ?

(MCCREEDY REACHES BACK FOR HIS GLASS, THEN FROWNS AT VON AVON)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Can't say I'm afraid of anything, sweetheart. One of the joys of my current life.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Exactly. You're not afraid. You're not alive. You were once, you said so yourself. A terrified mouse. A lowly designer of waste-filled pipes, invited into the most prestigious lab in the world. You were terrified and hopeful and alive. You didn't let any of the challenges or the small minds or the barriers stop you back then, and you built something. Don't you want to build something again?

(THE CROWD IS SILENT. MCCREEDY SWIRLS THE LIQUID IN HIS GLASS AROUND AND AROUND, WATCHING IT WITH A BOWED HEAD. SEVERAL SECONDS PASS.)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Ok. Well. Better argument.

(HE RAISES HIS GLASS TO VON AVON)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Back to your studies, Ms. Von Avon.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Well…surprises. Lots of surprises. Banter. Excitement. We'll be…

(FINSRAW LOOKS OFFSTAGE. HE NODS.)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Yes, we'll be back.

(FINSRAW'S FACE IS RED. MCCREEDY SLUMPS BACK IN HIS CHAIR. HE PLACES THE HALF-FULL GLASS BACK ON THE TABLE. APPLAUSE. ZOOM PAN OUT AS LIGHTS DIM ON THE CENTRAL DAIS. FINSRAW LEANS TOWARDS MCCREEDY, SPEAKING ANIMATEDLY. HE BEGINS JABBING A FINGER TOWARDS MCCREEDY'S CHEST. NO AUDIO.)

—

(APPLAUSE. ZOOM PAN IN ON PROFESSOR FINSRAW AND DR. MCCREEDY.)

Announcer: Welcome back to the conclusion of &quot;An Intimate Academic Evening&quot; with eminent thinker and Nobel-Custis Prize winning physicist Malcolm McCreedy. Brought to you by a partnership between our friends at New Media and ThinkCore Edutainment. And now with a few closing words, Professor Emilio Finsraw.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Well, it has certainly been a rollercoaster ride, hasn't it?

(APPLAUSE, WITH SOME HOOTS AND SHOUTS. FINSRAW'S FACE IS STILL RED, AND HIS HAIR IS SLIGHTLY MUSSED.)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: I would like to thank our students, our viewers at home, and most of all, the magnificent genius himself, Doctor Malcolm McCreedy. Any last words for us, Doctor?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Nope.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Well then, good night everyone, and remember to always …

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Actually, yes. Question. Why an &quot;intimate&quot; academic evening?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Ahh, I'm not sure what…

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: You know, this whole show. &quot;An Intimate Academic Evening&quot;. What's intimate about it? There's like a thousand people here.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: I don't…

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Are you and I supposed to fool around? Is this the part where we make out? Do we fondle?

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Ahhhhh….

(LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE. FINSRAW'S CHEEK BEGINS TO TWITCH)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: No? Damn. I was looking forward to that. How about the rest of you? Ms. Von Avon, you still out there? Want to make it an &quot;Intimate Academic Evening&quot;?

(MCCREEDY SHIELDS HIS EYES FROM THE LIGHTS AND SCANS THE CROWD)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Von Avon? McMouthy?

(FINSRAW GRINS SICKLY. HE SHUFFLES HIS PAPERS IN FAST, JERKING MOTIONS. THE LIGHTS IN THE THEATER SUDDENLY RISE. SLOW PAN OUT)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation2">Finsraw: Well thank you doctor for a lovel y evening and I'm sorry it's time to go, we've had our fun. Thank you students. Time to go home, and there will be no 'fondling' for anyone here…

(THERE IS A COMMOTION TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE. VON AVON EMERGES FROM THE CROWD AND GRABS THE MICROPHONE AGAIN)

<font class="DocumentFontConversation8">Student Von Avon: Actually, I'd be up for that.

<font class="DocumentFontConversation1">McCreedy: Splendid! I'll meet you out front.

(MCCREEDY STANDS. HE UNCLIPS A MICROPHONE FROM HIS SHIRT AND DROPS IT ON THE STAGE, THEN WALKS OFF OF THE DAIS AND OUT OF FRAME. FINSRAW SITS ALONE, HANDS FROZEN IN MID-SHUFFLE. HIS CHEEK TWITCHES. THE CAMERA QUICKLY PANS OUT FULLY)

Announcer: This concludes tonight's presentation, &quot;An Intimate Academic Evening&quot; with eminent thinker and Nobel-Custis Prize winning physicist Malcolm McCreedy. Please stay tuned for some exciting offers from our sponsors!