Transmission Logs - Satellite Monitoring Base 42634-C 4/4

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2536-11-13

Hello?

Is it me you're looking for?

'Cause I wonder where you are. And I wonder what you do.

Are you somewhere feeling lonely?

Or is someone loving you?



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Submitted by: Private 2nd class Lionel Richie Carnahan

—

2536-11-30

I awoke to find that the treadmill has been replaced with a small, dark-skinned savage: one of the island natives.

I have decided to spare his life, and will begin the process of civilizing him. I cut up the remaining bedsheets and fashioned a crude dress to hide his shame. He speaks to me only in grinding noises. It is a strange tongue.

I will call him Friday.

The Pirates land soon. I can hear the chatter over the com array sweeps. We should have known this island was inhabited! They do not respond to my hails, and my requests for resupply have gone unanswered. Without coconuts, we are defenseless.

Friday and I wait here on this metal beach, together, bathed in the harsh sun.

Submitted by: Robinson, esq. and his Faithful Companion Friday.

—

2536-12-25

— Incoming Transmission From Satellite Monitoring Base 42634-C —

Private Carnahan:

My name is Lieutenant Colonel Mandrake of Organized Navy Monitoring Base 42634-C.

42634-C is a cloaked orbital, tasked with monitoring transmissions coming back and forth between Earth and the outer planets. As such, we are under strict orders to maintain radio silence.

I have received approval—from very high up the chain of command—to break that radio silence today, so that I might ask you to stop sending us transmissions.

I'm sure that Command appreciates your continued diligence in filing reports despite your situation. However, I must point out that you are not actually saving to a log, as you appear to think you are doing. You are transmitting. I think you'll find the keys are right next to each other.

You may ask yourself: &quot;why would Satellite Monitoring Base 42634-C choose to contact me on this matter?&quot; Good question.

We are required to transcribe and analyze any communication we intercept. Any communication. For example, every time you send a transmission quoting Lionel Richie lyrics, we have to submit a report to four Admirals explaining who Lionel Richie is. Then we have to spend ten hours analyzing why he is dancing on the ceiling and whether or not that's a threat to us.

Additionally: we do not have coconuts. Nobody has coconuts. I'm fairly certain coconuts are extinct.

Please stop transmitting. We are very busy analyzing regular military signal traffic, and do not have to transcribe messages about how many Crunchy-o's you ate, or why &quot;Friday&quot; is ignoring you.

Our medical staff recommends that you consult your onboard documentation concerning &quot;sleep deprivation-induced dementia.&quot; I am transmitting a code patch for your onboard alarm systems that will change the alarm cycle from four hours to twelve hours. Please apply it ASAP.

Also, the men dug up a few additional audio files to supplement your somewhat….limited…current selection. See attached.

We appreciate your cooperation, Private. And as a personal note, let me say that I admire your dedication in the face of extreme adversity. Hope she was worth it.

Lieutenant-Colonel Mandrake

Monitoring Base 42634-C

Attachments:

1- MilSpecIntelligenceComCtrl_IF004_fixpack001.z00

2- The_Essential_Daryl_Hall &amp; John_Oates.z00