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&quot;What I Think About That, with Hal Grumpkins&quot;

Dearest Readers,

You know what I hate? Gravity.

I'm not a picky man. I like the simple things in life: a hot cup of coffee, a little light jazz on the cochlear implant, a whiff of fresh ozone on the breeze. I don't need fancy. But boy, it would be nice to not have to lug my own body weight around all day.

Why is it that I can take a pneumatic rail to China in twenty minutes, but I still have to huff and puff my way to the mailbox? My doctor can take out all my teeth, wash and wax them, and put them right back in, but I still have to rely on these old knees to get me up the stairs at night?

Why do I even need stairs? Oh that's right. Gravity.

I tell you readers, some days it seems like this whole world just wants to keep me tied right down at ground level.

I went down the drugstore the other morning to get a fresh charge for Rodney. On the way there, they fired off another one of those colony ships from the spaceport a few towns over. Now I'm not saying I'd want to join those poor souls. But seeing that thing flying overhead did make me think: at least they're finally getting away from this whole gravity business.

I guess I'll just keep huffing and puffing down here. But let me tell you, all those science folks are wrong. Like the man said; gravity's not there because of mass attracting mass. It's because the Earth sucks. Hard.

And that's just what I think about that.

Hal Grumpkins