Transmission Logs - Satellite Monitoring Base 42634-C 2/4

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2536-8-02

Dear Colonel Hannock,

I would like to apologize for my previous transmission. I regret that the rigorous—but fully necessary—communication sweep protocol has left me somewhat sleep deprived and lacking in good judgment. My comments were unprofessional and I deeply regret them.

Please find a full inventory below, per the mission orders: I performed communication array sweeps at precisely 0400 hours, 0800 hours, 1200 hours, 1600 hours, 2000 hours, and 2400 hours. It is my pleasure to report that no contacts were found on any sweep. I took the liberty of double-checking these results personally. The loud six-times-a-day alarm continues to be quite invigorating.
 * 1,071 packets Crunchy-o's
 * 38.2kg delicious Mootastic Milk-ish Protein Slurry
 * 1 Communications Array Send/Receive console
 * 1 bunk (w/ two sets bedding)
 * 249 hygiene packs
 * 1 monitor with playback panel, including the following: 45 general &quot;How-to&quot; educational tapes on a variety of topics that are all very enlightening, 2 Communications Array usage and maintenance videos, 1 &quot;The Very Best of Lionel Richie&quot; audio file, which on a personal note I find to be stimulating and not inappropriate at all for this mission, and 1 antique video of &quot;Robinson Crusoe&quot;, which it has been my pleasure to watch over one hundred times so far
 * 1 treadmill/Zero-g weight trainer
 * 2 airlock assemblies
 * 6 access panels
 * 1 Survival Casket with manual, pressure suit, one-use heating packs (4), bandaging, needles (10), syringes (4), an assortment of several hundred types of screws which it will be my extreme pleasure to list for you in a subsequent transmission.

Colonel, if I may, I would like you to know that i deeply, deeply regret my actions prior to receiving this assignment. Your daughter is a lovely young lady who deserves an immense amount of courtesy. I assure you that it was only the best of intentions and a deep and abiding respect for each other that led her and I to use your quarters for what I would argue was both a necessary and truthful expression of our love.

I would be more than happy to pay for a replacement or cleaning of the bed, couch, and other surfaces in your quarters.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to repay you for your generosity in transferring me to this new assignment, rather than forcing me to &quot;eat [excrement] until you die&quot;, as I believe was your original wish.

I must mention that I haven't received orders—or any communication from anyone—for several months now. Do you have orders for me?

Would you be able to indicate exactly how long this assignment will last?

Most humbly yours,

Private 2nd class Gerome Kenneth Carnahan

—

2536-8-05

Colonel Jerkface, or Whoever Else Is Monitoring This:

You will never break me. I don't care how many servings of Crunchy-effing-o's I eat.

Here is your inventory: At 400 hours, I received an unidentified transmission from deep in the Andromeda nebula. It said that you have a small penis. I also received transmissions at 0800, 1200, 1600, 2000, and 2400 hours, all of which indicated that the Andromeda nebula wants you to go &quot;sit on it and rotate&quot;.
 * Screw You
 * Screw You
 * Screw You
 * Screw You

Are you even reading these logs??

Submitted by: Private 2nd class Gerome &quot;Tell your daughter I said 'hi'&quot; Carnahan